Beware what you wear

It may be catwalk envy that has you hoisting up the droopy bits and strapping back the flab, or you may just want to show off last year’s skinny-fits one more time. But if you see gaffer tape, tweezers and twine as part of the morning preening ritual, stop to think about what trussing yourself up like a plucked bird ripe for roasting is doing to your body. There could be plenty more embarrassing things than a stray bit of flab lurking round the corner if you keep it up – and a lot more foul-smelling.

Love it when your loins burn after a night on the tiles? Those skin-tight trousers might catch you more than a lusty bedfellow. You may have heard of cystitis, an irritating bladder infection caused by intestinal bacteria. If you’ve been unlucky enough to suffer from it, the very word might remind you of that unstoppable urge to wee, and the nasty burning sensation when you do. Tight jeans and panties can be one step towards picking it up, especially synthetic ones that build up entirely the wrong kind of heat around the crotch.

It could be a lot more long-term than a couple of days squealing on the loo with a carton of cranberry juice too. Super-tight clothing can force the cells lining the womb back towards the ovaries, causing crippling pain and even infertility in a condition known as endometriosis, which affects some 2 million women in the UK alone.

Working upwards, take that high-fashion belt down a notch to avoid trapping all manner of volatile gases and bubbling potions where they shouldn’t be – a condition known as acid reflux results when stomach contents are forced upwards, leading to painful heartburn, while at the other end a stifling build-up of bowel gases that your body would normally release as nature intended, will instead double you up with cramps and have you hobbling like a granny.

Everyone knows that if you squeeze a ball of putty tightly in your hand, it’ll bulge out somewhere else. But comic as it sounds there are much more serious consequences for those sporting waistband muffin-tops. Meralgia paresthetica is its much more fearsome-sounding technical name: too much pressure on your peripheral nerve, which leads from your thigh to your spinal column, can cause bee sting-like tingling across your thighs, groin or buttocks. Buy bigger trousers if you don’t want people assuming you have ant-infested pants.

Men: if you’re reading this and chuckling, don’t think you’re getting away so lightly. If fatherhood’s your thing you may want to consider going commando: keeping the crown jewels locked away too tightly can dramatically reduce your chances by virtually shutting down the sperm-producing cells in your testicles. There’s a reason why they’re dangling down below – you need to keep them cool.

Back to the ladies: you’ve loosened your belt and been and bit more honest about your jeans size. You no-doubt know that tight bras can lead to pain in the neck, arms and shoulders, especially if you’re somewhat heavier in the bust. But did you know that they can also damage the nerves to your hands and fingers, causing tingling and numbness that will have you twitching and fidgeting like a thing possessed?

Sore soles after a night on the dance-floor might seem an evil worth paying for jazzing up those party feet – and you might think injuring your pride doing a Naomi Campbell is the worst you should fear when tottering towards town. But sharpening those toes to a point in over-tight shoes can cause everything from corns to spinal problems. And yes, even Victoria Beckham has bunions.

Contorting your tootsies into unnatural poses is one thing, but if you don’t keep them fresh and aired then trapped sweat can cause all manner of nasty fungal infections, from athlete’s foot to infected toenails. Unfortunately, flat shoes aren’t much better as they can also cause plantar fasciitis, a painful inflammation known as policeman’s heel that gives an apt warning to Bobbies pounding the beat.

Even flip-flops and backless mules can crush your toes as you push forward on them, so maybe barefoot is best – but watch your step, as over 100,000 people injure themselves like that each year too.

So there you go: next time you fish out the glad rags, besides fashion have a little think about infertility, farts and feet.

© Nick Carson 2008. First published on Channel 4’s Embarrassing Illnesses online.

Babyproofing the Crib

Expecting a new family member? As Kirsty Allsopp no-doubt found out when she, husband Ben and baby Bay moved into their Holland Park apartment last Autumn, there’s more to preparing your home for a little one than stocking up on preemptive nappies, breast pumps and bottle brushes and slapping a coat of blueish-pink paint on the nursery. They’ll be toddling before you can say ’stair gate’ – so think smart and babyproof early.

Most homes have hidden hazards round every corner, and short of cladding your child in a giant squashy rompersuit and stapling foam to every wall and surface, there are going to be accidents. But every parent has to strike that uneasy balance between nurturing and neurotic, so here are our top five tips for keeping frantic casualty trips to a minimum.

Before considering any of this, regress a little. Drop to the floor on your hands and knees and think baby. Dangers that we sail past, blissfully unaware on two legs, can suddenly seem a lot more real when your eyeline is five inches off the carpet. Remember, four legs good, two legs bad – cooing and gurgling are optional.

1. Gated community:
Unless you live in a bungalow, a skyscraper or a fire station, chances are you’ll get from one floor to another using the stairs. But try doing it on all fours during your regression session and you may well end up in A&E. To be sure, install gates at the top and bottom of all staircases, as well as at the entrances to any rooms that can’t be easily childproofed – especially the kitchen and garage. Properly-fitted carpet on the stairs can also help prevent slipping, so roll it out to stop ‘em rolling over.

2. Avoid skid marks:
Fabric may be comfier for little palms and knees than harsh floorboards, but a rug on a polished floor is clearly asking for trouble. Simple enough solution: invest in some non-slip backing strips to make the carpet stick.

3. Take the edge off:
Slippery rugs or not, they’re going to take their share of tumbles. When it happens, make sure they bounce off something rubbery by softening the corners and edges of your most calamity-causing furniture. These padding products may make your home look like the inside of a tube train, but they’ll reduce tears before bedtime.

4. Come on baby guard my fire:
As if the risks of naked flames aren’t incentive enough, this is actually a legal obligation when rugrats are roaming, and shields are available for both conventional and freestanding fires. Fire alarms should be fitted on every floor, plus Carbon Monoxide Detectors outside bedrooms – especially with gas or oil heating or an attached garage.

5. Hang ‘em high:
During your crawling session you’ll notice just how many things there are scattered about that could provide tots with an overwhelming desire to push, pull, chew or swallow them. Tie curtain cords out of reach, use cable tidies to bundle together that spaghetti junction of electrical cords behind the telly, cover all unused sockets with plug guards, and always check the floor for coins, buttons, beads and assorted fastenings that your pride and joy could hoover up.

© Nick Carson 2007. First published on Channel 4’s 4Homes.